My mama and papa. 

We love it when they visit! 

They were here for my birthday and everything :)

We had a party cuz hey, a girl only turns 35 once.

Plus I wanted my parents to meet our amazing friends! 

I forgot to take a group picture though.

Man the lighting is weird in my house. 

Anyway, I am so glad they came!

And no, Mom, not just because you pretty much did all the food prep. And cleanup.

I miss these people. 

Next time can't be soon enough. Thanks for coming, Mom and Dad. 

<3 nbsp="" p="">

Risky Business

He would be nearly three.

When we talk about Miguel, Alex always says how old he "is", rather than how old he would be. I like it, sort of makes him feel a little closer somehow. I guess that's why I also never cancelled the subscription to a parenting website that sends emails every now and then to tell me about his milestones and Miguel should be able to do by now. I think about how our family would be, if he were still here. How he would have filled the age gap between Alex and Leo perfectly, how fun it would have been to have a wild little toddler thrown into the very interesting mix we now have.

I don't dwell on that for too long though; because it isn't healthy, but mostly because I just don't have time. I'm too busy loving people, and having days like this one. Sometimes I do stop to wonder if I have lost my mind - the potential for pain is so great when you open up your heart. This little guy with us now, for example; I know that  he will not be with us long term. And I know that my heart will break when he goes. But that doesn't mean that I can love him a little less, or be indifferent. With love it's kind of all or nothing.

I also still battle a lot of fear - fear that things will not work out, fear that something will happen to one of my other kids, fear when I can't tell if they are breathing in the night. And the memories of that night come back and...

I'm telling you, this whole love thing is just a risky business. 

But then, when I think about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us - about the pain that we put Him through when we know the truth but still choose something or someone over Him - loving these kids seems like the very least I can do. And so even though I am still heartbroken over Miguel it turns out that a broken heart can love. And not just the same but even better than an unbroken heart, it turns out, which goes right along with God's plan of using the weak to show His love to the world.

Knowing what I know now, if I could go back and do it all over I would take that little boy home every time. Miguel, we miss you baby, things have never been the same without you. I'm so happy that you've never been better, though. And don't worry, there is another baby here but he isn't taking your place - no one ever will.  

I'm in Love!!!!

... with my life. 

Haha made you look. But now that you're here, you might as well stick around and see how beautiful it can be when you give up what you want right now for what you really want long term.

Today was one of those days. When the weather is just right, the sun is strong and hot like summertime and there is barely a breeze. When it's like this its as if everything looks clearer, sharper somehow. One of those days when you walk outside in the morning and you can't help but smile because you can just feel how perfect it will be. 

Everyone woke up well, too. Once everyone was up we had waffles with fresh strawberries, and sat enjoying the delight that is a day wide open with no plans when we were inspired to head down to the beach. 

Now, going to the beach is just not quite as simple a thing when you have a (nearly) four month old. Or when you borrow a few extra kidlets so your friend can try to put her house back together from the construction zone it's been lately. 

But it was Oh. So. Worth it. 

Cause when we got there, this happened:

While we were there enjoying the gorgeous day, Berta asked me if I didn't regret letting two crazy, giggling girls (her and Yesi) move into my house. 

Oh yeah, by the way, we have another family member! haha Meet Berta:

She's a little camera shy. 

Anyway, what I told her is what I wanted to share with all of you. 

I am so happy! It's kind of a overwhelming, giddy feeling that grabs me sometimes while I watch everybody in the house interact. Or when we all sit down to a meal together. Or when one of the girls shares something real with me.

I just can't help but smile as my heart fills with pure joy as I watch everyone laugh and relax and get to know each other. When I see Alex learn from and interact with older 'siblings' who have patience with him, but also don't let him get away with everything.  How everyone rallies together to help out and love on little Leo.  Or just getting to do things like help them dye their hair just cause it suddenly occurred to them to do so.

It makes me think of how so often people think that if you give your life to God, if you really truly ask Him "God what do You want me to do? What good deeds did you create me to do? ", that He will ask you to do something really horrible. Like, really horrible. Like move far away from everyone you know and love. Or to sell your home and all your things, and start a career where there is no set paycheque and you're just living by faith. Or you know, something else that you would probably hate. 

But here's the thing; when you really search for God, when you truly seek what He wants and not what you want, He fills you in ways that you can just not even imagine. For real.

Cause you know what? What He made us for is already a part of us! It's already right there in our genetic makeup, just like eye colour, or dimples, or height. So when you let go of the things that you want, or that you think you should be doing and allow God to lead you, it's like you become a little bit more of the whole self that God made you to be. 

Yes, I really did have to use the big letters. 

This is a life changer, people. Trust. Faith. They're easy to say, amazingly hard to live, and are the keys to living a life you can be in love with, and to be rich in what matters most.

And I am the farthest thing from sorry to be heading in that direction.