2014

There are other things I should be doing right now.

Also, I dislike doing something as cliche as writing a year in review on the last day of the year.

However I am avoiding laundry (it won't dry in this weather anyway), a long writing assignment (I've never been a procrastinator, right mom?), and preparing for the next round of classes that are coming up fast, so here we are.

The house is actually quiet because the oldest kids all went over to the community center because our computer does not have Word, because apparently you have to register and pay for that, and you cannot do anything in the world or in school without it.

Leo is finally napping, which is wonderful because he recently decided that he did not need to have regular, scheduled naps anymore and has done everything to avoid sleeping when at all possible. Which really does a lot of his naturally sunny disposition...

Anyway, I thought this might be a good time to let you all know that we are doing very well, and are so aware of how truly blessed we are! I started uploading some of my favorite pictures of this year, then realized that this was going to end up being the longest blog post EVER. So, in one simple collage, pictures of some of my favorite memories of 2014 (when you click on it you can see the larger version):

(From top left, clockwise: welcoming new family members, hosting my home church, a visit from Grandma and Grandpa, baseball games with friends, english classes at the center, surprise trip home, summer day camp, camping, celebrating birthdays, a cast-free Leo, Canadian friends, and an incredibly successful community center event)


Last year we started out in January with just Alex and I; since then 5 other people have lived in our house. Short term, long term, on their own terms - however they come I always know it is for a reason and in and for God's time. I am so happy and blessed to end the year with our group of four!

Another other reason for great praise and gratitude this year is the realization of a dream that has been building in my heart and mind for years - the Family Community Center (Centro Familiar). I am praying that this place will continue to grow and be a light in our community, and that as we spread our vision and gain the trust of our neighbors I can start to reach out with programs not only to build skills and ability, but to touch people's hearts and souls for Christ as well. What looks like a few simple english classes builds to something so much more important: relationship!

I am so thankful for every person who prays for us, rejoices with us, feels our pain and walks this journey with its ups and downs alongside us. For my incredibly supportive family and friends in Canada, the US and here in Mexico. For the sweet souls God entrusts me with. For the gift of God's love and grace and mercy in the sacrifice of His Son. My sincere hope and prayer is that we all will be willing to open our hearts to God and His love and surrender our plans to Him, even just a little more (or at all), in 2015.

Trust me, you'll never regret it.

Expectations

Might I be so bold as to ask something of you?

I recently had a visit from some dear friends who are also members of my home and sending church. It was a much different type of visit that I am used to, since these same people are usually in a leadership role guiding 30+ teenagers for the 7 days that they are here, whereas this time it was just the 5 of them. There was a lot more time for discussion, sharing of plans, thoughts, opinions and hopes. I was surprised by a few of their observations, as I am sure they have been taken aback by mine, which has led me to think a lot more about expectations; theirs, mine, and most importantly God's.

One example was when it was said to me, while discussing leadership and head of households, that I was in a unique position of being a single mom that was something I needed to take into account, though it had been my choice.

My choice? I thought about that for a few days before I responded. Had it been my choice to pursue parenting without a husband? Sure, I was the one who said "yes" when the opportunity presented itself to care for my first foster child, but I guess I had never really considered it a choice. Since before I can remember I always knew that I would be a mom: not in a Cinderella fantasy kind of way, where I dreamt I would meet my Prince Charming and have babies and live happily ever after, but more of a certain knowing-I-was-made-to-be-a-mom kind of way.

I'm not bringing this up to pick on my friend - I was fairly certain that he hadn't intended it in the way I was taking it (and I was right) but I thought it brought up an interesting point. People have a lot of interesting expectations of missionaries, and the fishbowl in which we live can be taxing at the best of times. It made me wonder how many people have wondered what is wrong with me - why I am not married, why I 'decided' to become a single mom. Is it because I have a problem with authority? Do I just want to have everything go my own way? Did I just get tired of waiting on God to deliver on my deep desire to be a mother? Am I expected to do what I am "supposed to" and get married, so I can fit into a regular mold?

I can only think to liken this situation to the way I knew I was to come to Baja in the first place. I had no good "reason" other than the fact that I just knew that this was what God had in mind for me. And just like back then, before I took in children I sought counsel, talked to God about it, wondered if I was crazy for even considering it.

Yet I already knew. I just knew that this was God's heart for me, so in reality the 'choice' was much less so than a decision to obey and to follow.

Other questions surfaced during this visit, questions that I have and continue to wrestle with on a daily basis. It was wonderful to be able to discuss these things with people who I know love and care about me, who are working alongside me to see God's will done. How I have missed that connection to my church family back home!

So this is where the favour comes in. Whoever is reading this, if you know or love someone - anyone, but especially a woman - or if you ARE a women in cross-culturally ministry, please do what you can to read this book:

"Expectations and Burnout", by Robynn Bliss and Sue Eenigenburg.

You may be thinking I am only looking for sympathy or attention (well, that is if you don't know me that well), but I truly believe that you will be blessed by this book and its honest look at ministry and missionaries. It is so helpful in understanding the highs and lows, the joys and sorrows of cross-cultural ministry. It was so refreshing to read about others who struggle in the same ways as I have, and to be inspired to keep going! Maybe you have wondered about the validity of missions in general - this book does talk a lot on missionary burnout, however the main focus is on the expectations that can cause it. Unmet expectations could be causing the feelings you may be having toward the subject of missions in general, or specifically to a missionary who is supported by your church. Expectations that perhaps you didn't even realize you had until they weren't met.

While you or others may have many expectations, I can promise you that they are not more than the expectations that I have of myself. Thankfully I am starting to see some of the unrealistic ones, even the ones I have of God, of what my role is in His plan and what He expects of me.

So whether you end up reading the book or not, please join me in praying that God's will be done, His Name be glorified, and that the only expectations we strive to meet are the ones He has laid out for us in His precious Word!  Thank You Jesus that Your yoke is light and your burden is easy.

love, Karen.

10 years

In the first years that I moved here, I often thought about what it would feel like to be able to say that I have lived in Baja for 10 years. I thought, how great will that be?! I tried to imagine what I would know, how life would change.

Naturally, I didn't have a clue. 

I had no idea, for example, how long it would really take me to truly start taking in the culture on a personal level. To stop comparing everything to "how we do it", and just accept someone or something  as different instead of better or worse. To realize that here I will always be an "extranjera", no matter how many years go by or what my residency status is. 

To realize I will never completely fit in, and that that is ok (we aren't really supposed to anyway).

When I first arrived I had no idea what it was that I would have to offer. And never imagined it would take almost 10 years to figure it out.

In ten years my definition of ministry, evangelism and even what it means to be a "Christian" has changed significantly. Become my own. And I would like to think, less theory and more lived out.

I have loved and lost, and over again. Yet I've seen that God is so good, and gives the capacity and the grace to keep on taking that risk. Although it might take another ten years to be able to look in on sleeping children without a knot in my throat and that overwhelming wave of fear washing over me that they might not be breathing. 

A few things I did picture were feeling more 'at home', improving language skills, and being able to relate better with the people around me. Getting involved in my community. Beginning to understand some of the bigger issues, and realizing there was very little I could do about them. 

I am so grateful, though, that there are so many 'little' things that I can be a part of. Big changes start with little ones - relationships, making connections. A little time out of your day to listen to someone who really needs to talk. Offering english lessons to the neighbour's kids who need to keep up at school. Joining other parents to make changes for our children's education. Shopping local. Sharing life with kids who don't look like you so that people start to wonder what you are doing this for, anyway.

In some ways ten years just feels long. Pointing that jeep south with what was then most of my worldly possessions in the back seems like another lifetime ago. (At the time I was convinced I would never see Alberta again, because I was sure I would never do that drive EVER AGAIN. The same road that I've driven easily 100 times since.) Eons since I took on the 'job' of being a mom. Entirely too long since I've seen snow at Christmastime.

At the same time, though, it also seems like 10 years have flown by. Even though looking at how my family has grown tells me otherwise. There have been times where I have been overwhelmed with joy to be doing something I so strongly believe in. And others when I have cried out to God to make sure He was noticing what I had given up. ("Father and Mother, sister and brother...") Sometimes I miss my family and home so much it almost physically hurts. Sometimes I wonder what on earth I was thinking, while watching from afar as nieces and nephews grow up and life moves on. Wondering if what I am doing is even worthwhile. 

Until, of course, I look into dark brown eyes that look to me for everything. Until I remember that I never would have been really content doing anything else. People have told me they could "never do what I do". (They are wrong, of course.) What I do is simply what God made me to do. Dreams are from Him, and when we are weak enough to see we can't but are willing to try anyway, is when things start to happen. This lesson I learn over again every day, and it is my prayer that I will keep learning it until my last. 

I am so incredibly and utterly grateful for every single person who has stood beside me, laughed and cried with me, encouraged, loved and supported me these past 10 years. TEN years!! That is a long time. To say "Thank You" feels painfully inadequate. Your love is a testimony to the heart of God, and He sees and is blessed. I'm so glad God built us to need community, and that you are mine.

With so much Love,

(and an open heart to what God has planned next)

Karen 

summer, 2014

So the last post I wrote was on mother's day. Which, while i think it was a rather good one, is 4 months old.

Oops.

So, to catch you up on the past nearly four months we'll start with the littlest member of our household.

Don't let this angel face fool you, this one has temper for days

Leonel is now nearly 10 months old and finally growing into some larger clothes. He is a little guy with some big attitude, and will have no trouble whatsoever holding his own in life. It never ceases to amaze me to see how much of who we are that we are born with - you would think that many behaviours would be learned, but when you look into Leo's eyes there is a LOT there. Since he now lives closer by his dad has been coming to visit more often, which is great because as far as I can tell he still plans to take him full time at some point, so it would be best for them to get to know each other. 

Father and son

And no, I'd rather not think about how that is going to be when it happens. I just keep reminding myself that God knows what He is doing, and since I can't control the outcome of any of this I'll just leave it up to Him. In the meantime we'll just keep walking this road with Leo's dad until he is in a place where he is able to be independently responsible for his son.

Anyway, after many trips back and forth to Ensenada and now Tijuana as well we are finally getting somewhere with his feet and I am hoping that we'll only have to do 3 or 4 more cast changes before they can do a surgery where they will cut the achilles tendon to allow more movement. It's a long road but I am so thankful to have found the shriners hospital in Tijuana who are doing all the cast changes and will do the surgery free of charge.

9 years of Alex! 

Alex - oh my Alex. He is growing up more everyday and is constantly surprising me. He just recently had his 9th birthday, and in October marks 8 years that I have had the pleasure of being his mama. He finished the 3rd grade in July with better grades than he has ever had and began the 4th grade a few weeks ago with his usual laid back confidence.  He is continuing to learn karate, and recently started taking drum lessons.

Yes, that's right, drum lessons. (because, why not?) It is so fun to watch him grow and discover who he is and what he likes, and I love that he is taking such an interest in music. We are still in the adoption process, which to date is veeeeeeery slooooooooooow, however every appointment is one step forward. It looks like it is going to be at very least another year, but again God has His plan and in the meantime we get to learn patience.

Next in line was Yesi, however I am sad to inform those of you who don't know that she is no longer living with us. I think part of the reason I held off writing an update was that I was still hoping she would come back, however that does not look likely at this point.

She moved in with her mom and step-dad who had recently moved back into the area in June, quit her job at the community centre and  school as well. Please pray for her with me, that she will soon realize that 'freedom' can cost more than we realize, and that she realizes how much God and we love her.

Our Berta is still here though, which we are so glad for! On the 9th we were able to celebrate her 25th birthday; she is so much help and I am constantly delighted to see her confidence growing and more of her personality coming through. She was working full time for a few months, but left that job and has started high school. She was so nervous, but is settling in well and working diligently on her assignments, in addition to helping me around the house and with little Leo. She would also like to learn more about clothing design, so at the moment I am looking for someone to teach her to sew.

As for me, well life with a baby is always busy, plus trips back and forth to the doctor in Ensenada and Tijuana thrown in for good measure. Alex needs to be brought back and forth to school and the extra classes he takes, Berta needs to go back and forth to school twice a week for evening classes, so basically I am in the car a lot!

Craft time!

Then of course there is the community centre; I give four English classes a week for adults and children, and I help plan/search out/promote other classes and activities that we can host. We held a summer day camp over at the centre when the regular classes ended for the summer, which was a little crazy but mostly fun, and are now getting back into the swing of regular classes which right now include english, music, computer, art, zumba, a preschool class, and how to make mexican candy. 

In June I finished the diploma course in teaching english as a second language (98% average - who knew?!), which was such an excellent experience and has improved my teaching skills incredibly. Besides the adult and kid's classes at the centre I was also offered the opportunity to use this knowledge in a position at a local university teaching an english class twice a week. 

I think before I started was the most nervous I have been since... well I don't even know. However, as I got started it felt incredibly natural, and it has already improved my focus and added organization to my teaching methods that I will be able to put to practice in my classes at the centre! 

me n my Ma. 

As some of you already know, I also made a really quick trip up to Alberta in June to celebrate both of my parents' 60th birthdays. It was a great time and I was able to see many people over the few days I was there, but I think because it was so short (4 non-travel days) I had a really tough time when I came home. An adjustment period going from one "life" to another is normal, however this time I really struggled with feelings of missing home and family and, well to be honest feeling sorry for myself because of all of the things I miss out on by being so far away. So many birthdays and holidays go by that I don't get to be with family, and some days that is harder to deal with than others.

In fact for the past several months I have been struggling a lot with fatigue, feelings of being overwhelmed and what I can only describe as mental fogginess. I've been struggling to see what direction God is taking me in, only to remember that today is the only day I need to live right now, and if He gives me tomorrow I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Depending on God and committing my life and all that includes to him can sometimes be a daily battle, but oh so necessary! I am being led through a time of reflection of who God is, what His Son came for and what the Holy Spirit wants to do through us as Christians. I've been taking in as much as possible of what it means to be a Jesus follower, what that needs to look like, what it really means to witness. I feel like this community centre is just the start of something bigger, and I am equal parts excited and afraid. Or intimidated?

I hardly know how to put these feelings into words, but I really felt the need to try to communicate them to encourage others who are feeling the same things to share them and explore a better way. It is agonizing to me to see what the church is a lot of times compared to what it was meant to be- more now than ever - which makes me wonder what God is up to. What He is wanting me to do about it.

I thank all of you who pray for me from the bottom of my heart, and hope that you will continue. I  could really use my energy back, so prayers for health and wisdom to know what my body is lacking would be wonderful. Some new vitamins seem to be helping lately, and I am looking into some other changes I can make to help pull me out of the 'fog', but I am open to suggestions! :D The good news is, though, that I have been declared psychologically healthy by the state psychiatrist (for Alex's adoption), so there is that.

Ha

Well if you have managed to read through all of that, good for you. I sincerely apologize for my lack of communication - I will try to do better.

Really, I will.

Lots of love!!!

My Kids and Their Moms

Today was Mother's day here in Mexico.

It is a BIG DEAL here. Which is funny/sad because Father's day is, um... not. 

Don't even get me started on Mexican men and their mothers.

Anyway. 

This morning it dawned on me that perhaps today would be difficult for my older girls.


I'd like to think it took so long to clue in to that because I just think of them as "my girls", but i think it had as much to do with the fact that I had to get over myself first, since in my head the show is more often than not about me.

Sometimes it takes awhile to get over myself. Sometimes it takes a long while.


All 'my' kids have other moms. And let me tell you, that never gets any less weird. But mostly it is heartbreaking that the world is so broken, and that some kids don't have a mom anymore and other kids' moms can't take care of them. Right now there are two of each of those in my house, and I realize yet again how much hurt must be buried under smiles and giggles and polite answers. How all the practical words and advice in the world is not going to change the fact that these kids were not raised by their mom.


So tomorrow, on Canadian Mother's Day, I am going to celebrate my Mom. But today I pray for all the children who grow up apart from their moms - I thank God for the ones who I am blessed to have in my life - and I humbly ask that He will give me the grace to play the part I have in their lives, big or small, in a way that shows them how much He loves them.


Won't you pray with me?

Welcome to spring in Vicente Guerrero:

Yes, that is dust. We don't have much as far as seasons go, however around here Spring often just means Wind. Also, that you'd better get your laundry done early, so you can hang it up and get it back down again before it's dirtier than when you started.

I have been remiss in keeping up this blog. Sometimes it just seems like there is so much to write I don't even know where to start! And then Leo cries, or it's time to pick someone up, or give a class, or go to a class... well you get the picture. However those are all still just excuses and so here is my attempt at being a better communicator and letting you all in on what is keeping me busy these days.

Being a mom is the best thing that I get to do.

:)

the boys

hair dye = girl bonding

That's right, I dyed their hair... black. So adventurous, these two.  

I love that we got to go to the ball game together! 

Also that there is actually something new to go out and see.

I also keep busy with my other kids. 

Teaching english is challenging and sometimes frustrating, but always rewarding when I see these bright faces and hear them call, "Hello, Teacher!" when I see them around town.

I also have an adult class now which is a whole new challenge, but I love the new relationships and opportunities to share people's lives.

I am also still taking a class, every saturday, on teaching English as a second language. Only 5 more weeks to go! 

(One day I will remember to take a picture there, too.)

We had a very impromptu birthday party for Mercedes (Minerva's daughter), who is now 5 whole years old.

I didn't know they were coming, so I was very glad that I have adopted my mom's habit of storing a few gifts in my closet, just in case.

Have I mentioned we have some really awesome friends? 

We had Easter dinner together.

I love these people. This is everything - community and the people you share life with!

Oh yes, there are also our weekly cast changes. I am so thankful for our friend Dirk who is doing such a great job in straightening Leo's feet! 

There is so much more to say, but it will have to keep for another post. For example, all of the very exciting things happening at our community center! (Besides the delightful english classes, of course) 

I'd like to thank all of you who are praying for us, and ask that you would continue to do so. 

Lots of love from Baja!

My mama and papa. 

We love it when they visit! 

They were here for my birthday and everything :)

We had a party cuz hey, a girl only turns 35 once.

Plus I wanted my parents to meet our amazing friends! 

I forgot to take a group picture though.

Man the lighting is weird in my house. 

Anyway, I am so glad they came!

And no, Mom, not just because you pretty much did all the food prep. And cleanup.

I miss these people. 

Next time can't be soon enough. Thanks for coming, Mom and Dad. 

<3 nbsp="" p="">

Risky Business

He would be nearly three.

When we talk about Miguel, Alex always says how old he "is", rather than how old he would be. I like it, sort of makes him feel a little closer somehow. I guess that's why I also never cancelled the subscription to a parenting website that sends emails every now and then to tell me about his milestones and Miguel should be able to do by now. I think about how our family would be, if he were still here. How he would have filled the age gap between Alex and Leo perfectly, how fun it would have been to have a wild little toddler thrown into the very interesting mix we now have.

I don't dwell on that for too long though; because it isn't healthy, but mostly because I just don't have time. I'm too busy loving people, and having days like this one. Sometimes I do stop to wonder if I have lost my mind - the potential for pain is so great when you open up your heart. This little guy with us now, for example; I know that  he will not be with us long term. And I know that my heart will break when he goes. But that doesn't mean that I can love him a little less, or be indifferent. With love it's kind of all or nothing.

I also still battle a lot of fear - fear that things will not work out, fear that something will happen to one of my other kids, fear when I can't tell if they are breathing in the night. And the memories of that night come back and...

I'm telling you, this whole love thing is just a risky business. 

But then, when I think about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us - about the pain that we put Him through when we know the truth but still choose something or someone over Him - loving these kids seems like the very least I can do. And so even though I am still heartbroken over Miguel it turns out that a broken heart can love. And not just the same but even better than an unbroken heart, it turns out, which goes right along with God's plan of using the weak to show His love to the world.

Knowing what I know now, if I could go back and do it all over I would take that little boy home every time. Miguel, we miss you baby, things have never been the same without you. I'm so happy that you've never been better, though. And don't worry, there is another baby here but he isn't taking your place - no one ever will.  

I'm in Love!!!!

... with my life. 

Haha made you look. But now that you're here, you might as well stick around and see how beautiful it can be when you give up what you want right now for what you really want long term.

Today was one of those days. When the weather is just right, the sun is strong and hot like summertime and there is barely a breeze. When it's like this its as if everything looks clearer, sharper somehow. One of those days when you walk outside in the morning and you can't help but smile because you can just feel how perfect it will be. 

Everyone woke up well, too. Once everyone was up we had waffles with fresh strawberries, and sat enjoying the delight that is a day wide open with no plans when we were inspired to head down to the beach. 

Now, going to the beach is just not quite as simple a thing when you have a (nearly) four month old. Or when you borrow a few extra kidlets so your friend can try to put her house back together from the construction zone it's been lately. 

But it was Oh. So. Worth it. 

Cause when we got there, this happened:

While we were there enjoying the gorgeous day, Berta asked me if I didn't regret letting two crazy, giggling girls (her and Yesi) move into my house. 

Oh yeah, by the way, we have another family member! haha Meet Berta:

She's a little camera shy. 

Anyway, what I told her is what I wanted to share with all of you. 

I am so happy! It's kind of a overwhelming, giddy feeling that grabs me sometimes while I watch everybody in the house interact. Or when we all sit down to a meal together. Or when one of the girls shares something real with me.

I just can't help but smile as my heart fills with pure joy as I watch everyone laugh and relax and get to know each other. When I see Alex learn from and interact with older 'siblings' who have patience with him, but also don't let him get away with everything.  How everyone rallies together to help out and love on little Leo.  Or just getting to do things like help them dye their hair just cause it suddenly occurred to them to do so.

It makes me think of how so often people think that if you give your life to God, if you really truly ask Him "God what do You want me to do? What good deeds did you create me to do? ", that He will ask you to do something really horrible. Like, really horrible. Like move far away from everyone you know and love. Or to sell your home and all your things, and start a career where there is no set paycheque and you're just living by faith. Or you know, something else that you would probably hate. 

But here's the thing; when you really search for God, when you truly seek what He wants and not what you want, He fills you in ways that you can just not even imagine. For real.

Cause you know what? What He made us for is already a part of us! It's already right there in our genetic makeup, just like eye colour, or dimples, or height. So when you let go of the things that you want, or that you think you should be doing and allow God to lead you, it's like you become a little bit more of the whole self that God made you to be. 

Yes, I really did have to use the big letters. 

This is a life changer, people. Trust. Faith. They're easy to say, amazingly hard to live, and are the keys to living a life you can be in love with, and to be rich in what matters most.

And I am the farthest thing from sorry to be heading in that direction.