Grief Gaffes - Getting Past "I Don't Know What To Say"

This whole grieving business is the strangest thing I have ever experienced. 

When a wave of pain washes over me I ache to rid myself of it, I wish to know the secret that will push it so far away that it could never be found. But then once in awhile when the pain subsides and I find myself having a carefree moment, it makes me feel sad and in a twisted sort of way I miss the sting. 

I want people to be aware of what happened, as it now is a part of who I am, but I don’t want them to bring it up. There are still people around the community here who don’t know what happened, who are still asking me about Miguel and wondering where he is because they always saw him with me. I feel so strange and oddly guilty when I have to tell them that he is gone.  It still seems unreal and impossible to me too, and I feel bad because they were just asking to be nice. 

I’m glad for people to be able to see God in my life, in the hope that I have in Him to continue on, yet it irritates me sometimes if someone tells me what amazing faith I have or how strong I am to be handling this so well. I feel like it cheapens my grief somehow to think that my faith in God is some kind of magic wand that sweeps away the heartache. Because it doesn’t, and I still struggle with doubts and anger and fear.

People don’t want to see my tears, or to see me upset around them. They tell me don’t cry, he is in a better place, God needed another little angel, etc. Yet sometimes I feel a kind of disappointment or disapproval when I am being my normal self, laughing or joking about something or going about business as usual around  people I don't spend a lot of time with. It is as if I am no longer free to express myself truthfully - sad or happy - as if I am now expected to exist inside a certain range of feelings to satisfy the general public that I am ‘sad enough’. I’m not the same, yet I am. I’m not always acting sad, but I always am missing him.

People either avoid me because they aren’t sure of what to say or how to act, or they make a point of searching me out to find out ‘how I am doing’. Now, I don’t want to give the impression that I am being judgmental because I have been that awkward person many times myself, stumbling over what to say or what to do for someone I love who is hurting so much. However, now seeing the view from the other side, I thought it might be helpful to put a few guidelines out there for when any of you inevitably find yourself around someone who is grieving. While I obviously cannot speak for every person who has ever lost someone, I think that this advice can be used fairly universally: 

Just Be Normal.

Now for some people this will be a lot easier than for others, since there are many people in this world who really don’t even know who they are, but when in doubt just act how you have always acted in the past. Speaking now for myself, what I need you to know is that everything in my life changed in an instant; my family, my everyday routine, my plans, even the way I see and understand life and the world. The last thing I need are more changes, especially in the way my friends and family behave around me. 

It’s OK to make a joke, I need to laugh. Think nothing of it if my laughter suddenly turns into tears, this will happen often as it seems that tears and laughter are connected. (I am female, after all) 

See how I am doing by actually seeing, or listening; if you ask I can’t express the myriad of feelings I go through in a day and will probably just tell you that I’m fine. 

Saying, “I don’t know what to say” and then proceeding to ramble on for 10 minutes saying anything and everything that pops into your head just because you are nervous is understandable, but kind of silly and uncomfortable for both of us. If you don’t know what to say it’s alright, don’t say anything and just be there. Or give a standard ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ type of thing so that we can both move on and be normal with each other again.

Don’t be afraid to talk about my baby, or about anyone else's baby, or anyone else who has passed away, or about anything that you think may remind me of what I no longer have. Trust me, I haven’t forgotten and skirting around certain subjects only amplifies what you are trying to avoid. Every little thing reminds me of him, of what happened, of how much I miss him. The tiniest detail floods my mind with memories, so be patient if I drift out of the conversation sometimes. I want to talk about him, need to, but sometimes am afraid that people will get tired of my constant mentioning him or the affect that his death has had on me. 

If you say something insensitive and suddenly realize it don’t try to backpedal or apologize, just smile and we’ll both pretend it never happened. 

If I am fine one minute and the next you notice my eyes filling up with tears, keep doing what you are doing. Sometimes the attention is more painful than the memory that made me cry.

You may be grieving with me, but I beg you please don’t tell me what I am experiencing! Telling me that it must be so hard to deal with this certain thing, or that I must miss him so much at this certain time may be helping you, but I don’t really need any help being depressed. It makes me feel very self-conscious and awkward; a conversation about missing a loved one who has died needs to come about naturally. So instead of telling me what I must be feeling tell me how you are feeling, how you miss him or how you have been affected, and then I can reciprocate and it won’t be weird.

In reality, the worst thing that you could say is nothing at all. No matter how hard it is to express yourself to someone who is hurting, completely ignoring what has happened or avoiding the person it happened to is very hurtful, especially if this is someone who you have been or are relatively close to. Not acknowledging a deep loss will only add to it; yes It is hard to know what to say, but guess what? Nothing about this is easy for me either.

That being said, I would like to take a moment to thank every person who sent a message, note, letter or gift, everyone who called or sent emails. I am so blessed and was touched by the outpouring of love and support, and even though I couldn’t respond to each one I am truly thankful to have such an amazing family and sympathetic friends.

This can’t be fixed, nor can I, but that’s OK. This experience is not a one time event - I carry it and my sweet Miguel with me in my heart every day and I don’t want that to change. You may want to, but I don’t need you to take the hurt away. Losing the sorrow would be losing him completely and that would be infinitely worse. I am so thankful that you love me and that you mourn with me, but you can’t make it better and I don’t expect you to. Just be to me who you have always been, because your presence in my life is a blessing and more than enough.

Lost in Translation

When do you ever just sit down, just to sit down? Without any intent to do anything, just to sit and breathe and be. I sit down to eat, sit down to watch television, sit down to help Alex with homework, sit down to write, correspond, and a myriad of other things. These days I often am sitting down to sew too, which I am still finding rather ironic, and this past week I sat to finish some year end accounting for the ministry. 

But this morning, after two and a half rather painful hours of doing homework with Alex while trying to pretend that it was fun (I had him convinced for awhile when we made words with scrabble tiles before writing them down), I was tired. My body hurts and is retaliating for the hours of bike riding we did last week. I sat very contentedly in my favorite rocking chair in the living room, just staring out the window. From this spot I can watch Alex ride his bike over to the neighbors where his little buddy Edwin lives. In between our houses is a corn patch that is looking quite promising despite the relentless wind we’ve had for the past few days. Along the road the pine trees wave their branches as two horses dip and raise their heads as they plod slowly by.

It’s a quiet moment, yet nearly impossible to remain in this thoughtless space. I started thinking about what I would write about today - sometimes I feel the need to communicate but don't always have the words to do so. I wondered if Alex is going to be ok, what his life will be like when it is already as difficult as it is in public with the stares and comments. I wonder what he will do, where he will do it. 

Alex with his biological parents, age 3

I wonder if his mother was as heartbroken to lose her boy as I am to have lost mine. 

Alex at 16 months

It’s not a thought I want to entertain long, but it is there. Originally Alex had been taken from his home by social services because of a lack of care, but it was supposed to be temporary. In those first years the family came to visit, brought him little gifts of fruit and juice, luxuries for a large family living on the meager wages brought in from working in the fields. Eventually the time came for him to go back, they had met the requirements (land, shelter, etc) however by this time he had been with me for two years. Two very formative years, years he was by my side 24/7. Some said I was spoiling him, but he was just so small and afraid to be alone, and after two years the bond was deep between us. I could not imagine him going back now, what would that be like for him? I would never be able to explain it to him, he would be crushed. What would it be like for me? 

So I intervened. I asked his father if he wouldn’t consider letting him stay. If he wouldn’t consider the fact that his tiny son had already acclimated to a completely different life, and if he could understand that with his skin issues Alex would need a different kind of life from the one he had. Alex won’t be able to work in the fields, too much time in the sun and he is overheated, with painful cracks between his fingers and toes and anywhere two thick pieces of skin meet. 

First Christmas together

I was surprised when he said he understood, and that it would probably be for the best. I made sure he knew what my intentions were, as spanish is his second language as it is mine.

He knew, and he and his family left in one direction, and their son and I in the other. I was too over-joyed, too relieved to consider her feelings for long. I mean, it crossed my mind that it would be difficult for her, but not until now have I really thought about how her loss may have affected her life, how it still probably does. Especially now that they have not visited or seen their boy in nearly two years. Whenever the subject comes up I try to talk about it with Alex, but he does not express his feelings often. Sometimes at night when I put him to bed he wonders about them, but usually when I ask he says he’d rather not visit them. 

Cheese

But the other night when we were saying good-night he said rather abruptly, “I want to go and live with my family.” His announcement stopped me heart in an instant, and closed-throated, I could only stare at him. The thought of losing Alex has been the source of fear and panic lately, and the thought coming from him hit me hard. 

“It’s just that, well I think they miss me. And I miss them. Because we miss Miguel, because he is gone, and so I think they are sad.”

My little vaquero

When do children develop such deep thought? How could he struggle with the names of all the numbers, and then come up with such a profound sentiment? He is amazing, this boy, this child becoming a young man. He loves and cares and sees beauty in simple things. He plays and laughs and hurts and weeps when he is afraid. 

I still couldn’t speak, so I just nodded and squeaked out an, “Ok”, and left his room. 

So this is the where I am now, today. Was I wrong? How conflicted Alex must be, wanting to love and please me while knowing that there are other people to whom he has an allegiance. His family as well, knowing that he will have different opportunities with me yet missing his presence in their family. As Christians we are often so gung-ho to get out there to ‘fix’ things, when maybe they only appear to be broken. My heart and desire has been to grow a family with children who need one, but am I only taking things that don’t belong to me? 

Now, please don’t write me comments saying, ‘Karen you didn't do anything wrong, you have done so much for Alex’, etc. I don’t write this for accolades or a pat on the back for encouragement. I’m not saying what I did was wrong; to me it isn’t. Rather, it is an example of sacrificial love - love his biological mom and family had for him to be able to give him up for what they hope is better for their son.

Right and wrong can be so hard, so many shades of gray when looking at a picture in 3D, colored with logic and good intentions. Many believe that God has a specific plan for our lives, which I do as well, but I don’t think it is specific in the way that we humans imagine it to be. I believe that God has a plan for us to learn, to understand certain aspects of life and be able to separate Him from the chaos, preparing us for when we will live with Him again. I can see that God’s will for our lives is multi-faceted, that whether we make a decision to do one thing or another is not what is important, rather what we have taken away from it, and how we were changed by it.

That's my boy


The next morning after Alex had made his surprising announcement, he woke up early and came to cuddle with me. My feelings hurt, I asked him if he really wanted to go to live with his family. 

“Well, not like live with them forEVER” he calmly replied. 

“You just wanted to go to visit?” I questioned. 

“Ya, visit. Hey Mom can we have pancakes for breakfast?”

The whole story

Reading through people's comments, I realize that I may be sending out a somewhat unbalanced view of, well, me. I thank you all for caring about us, and for saying so, though that was not what I was looking for in writing that.

I can just about hear what runs through someone's mind when they read what I write; can read it written in between the lines in the comments. 'What would I do in her situation? Would I be able to keep focused spiritually like that, would I grieve in hope if I lost someone I loved so much, a child, a parent, sibling, friend?' or, 'That is not how I am handling/have handled that situation at all...'

We as humans have a need to categorize everything, in order to create some kind of semblance and order in our world. We all label because we need to, and then we compare. Comparing yourself to someone else is generally a bad idea, since we are all individually and specifically created, but when it comes to some things it can be downright dangerous. In physical traits and aspects, but in spiritual qualities especially. We are marginally surprised when we hear someone has fallen into some kind of sin, but when it is someone we considered 'above that' we are shocked and dismayed. We have this idea of people being spiritual giants, especially when the title 'missionary' comes into play, and berate ourselves for not being at a similar 'level', or not good enough for God to use like He seems to be using someone else.

So, in an attempt to be transparent (and hopefully more relatable), what I would like to be clear is that I am not feeling this calm, benevolent peace all day long. I often wake up in the night in a panic and check to make sure Alex is still breathing. I think about what happened and wonder, was it a mistake to take Miguel in the first place? Am I going in the wrong direction?

I think of every time I didn't appreciate every moment with him and wonder, is this some kind of punishment?

I think about the future and question whether this is really the path I am supposed to be taking. Is my heart to give these kids a home and family wrong?

I ask God, "WHERE WERE YOU THAT NIGHT??? Of all the prayers You could have answered, why not the one I prayed in such desperation? WHY God?"

The thing is, no matter what we do, no matter what title we have, we are all just human. A sinful species, wandering about the earth trying to make sense of it all, striving to know God. The important thing, then, is to remember the truth that we believe, even when we don't feel it. Words and feelings are powerful, and when you write them down see them in front of you it's like reading about yourself from someone else's point of view. While writing the last few posts I realized that I also needed to include the truth, something that I definitely know and believe but don't necessarily live in 24/7.

Reading my own thoughts brings me back to God's promises, because without them the story was just too sad, the situation unbearable. Everyone knows that you can't write half a story, all the parts need to be included. So even though I can have the answers to some of my questions, (I know this is no punishment, that my hearts desire was given to me by God, that He directs my path, and that He is always with me and never forsakes me) I also know that I may never have answers to the others, and that I am just going to have to live with that. That this is what changes us, grows us, and helps us love a little more like He does.

So, that's the whole story. I'm broken, weak and weary.
And favoured, set apart, and loved.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.


(see how that works? :)

Now What?

7 weeks. Seven is a relatively small number, and weeks doesn’t sound very long either, but today it feels like an eternity. And at the same time, a moment.

 Right now the world is contradictions. I want to be as far away as possible from what happened, to be able to forget that awful night and those surreal first days after Miguel’s sudden death. Yet, when I sense the time I had with my sweet baby floating further away, my heart cries out and my brain rushes for any memory of him possible.

Memories of the way he looked when he was just waking up.

 The way he laughed and giggled every time I changed his diaper, from the moment I laid him on the changing table, for Lord only knows what reason.

 The way he was completely enchanted when looking at himself in the mirror.

The way he scrunched up his tiny button nose when he started to cry every time I used the blender.

The way he watched with delight whenever his big brother walked in the room.

But I remember him in everything, in every place, and sometimes wish I weren’t reminded at every turn of the deep loss and ache in my heart. Contradictions.

 Like when I go grocery shopping at the store we went to that last time. He had been just big enough to sit in the front of the cart and was grabbing at everything his little hands could reach. We bought him a little spiderman toothbrush that he gummed all over before we ever got it to the till: it’s still sitting on the desk. Along with the bumbo tray I had ordered, and some bottle accessories that arrived the day after he left us. His car seat is still by the door, with the little sheep that he loved hanging from the handle as if one day we’ll wake up and everything will be ok again. He is everywhere, yet so permanently gone.

Contradictions. I don’t want people to ask me about him or what happened, yet I want them to be aware. I don’t want to be asked “how I’m doing” because I don’t know how to respond, yet I need people to care.

Contradictions. So many plans a person has for the future, but only if God is willing. Missing the times that were and aching for all of the things that will never be. Thinking of how old he would have been now, what he would have been doing, learning, delighting us with. Past. Future. And the inevitable question: Now what?

 How glad I would be to have an answer to that question, but it just isn’t ready to be answered. The wound is still to raw, the break to fragile to bear any weight.

 But God is faithful. And in Him we can know that there is no contradiction. We can have faith, can wake up in the morning and get out of bed knowing that beauty WILL rise from the ashes, that joy comes in the morning, that He really does work for the good of those who love Him. We can start new things, make new plans, knowing that the Lord of the Universe is directing them, and wait to see what He will do.

 We can remember our days with Miguel with joy, being thankful for each one. Look forward to seeing his sweet face again in paradise. Praise God that Miguel is fulfilled and perfect in love and will know no more pain, sadness or sin.

 And we let love grow - love past and love that will come in the future. Love is a risky business, as I know now more now than ever, but I also know that it’s worth it. To say the least. Every single child who lives in my home, whether for a few days or the rest of their lives, was bought with blood of Christ on the cross. In the context of that price, my sacrifice is really no sacrifice at all; the risk not all that risky. Contradictions fade away when we take in account the promises God has for us, that above all, He is faithful.

How we miss you sweet boy

Alex took a picture of Miguel and I - how could we have known it would be the last? 

A surprise dinner with my ministry family who wanted to celebrate my birthday as hard as it was 

At a friend's wedding in Rosarito

A new pastime: a sewing class taught by a friend has been a breath of fresh air

A new car: we traded the old faithful Jeep that has been doing little more than rusting in the past few years for a car that fits our needs and gets better gas mileage

March 22 2012 To All, with Love

It is so hard to even fathom that just one week ago I held Miguel in my arms, the thought never entering my mind that it would be the last time. Just 7 days have gone by, 168 hours since I last fed my sweet baby, played with him and Alex, and put him down to sleep. A perfectly happy, healthy nine month old baby in his crib just like every other day. The nightmarish shock of finding him just hours later not breathing is something I cannot express, and the blur of activity in the following hours something that I hope to someday be able to forget. It is in times like this that one is reminded of all that is truly important - where we are at in our relationship with God, what our true purpose is on this earth, how we are in our relationships... especially with family. Even though they were just here, my parents were on the next plane to San Diego, along with two of my sisters and I am so grateful for the sacrifice they made to be with Alex and I in such a hard time. The rest of my family sent notes and texts and made phone calls relaying their sorrow and love, wishing they could be here too. My ministry family here in Vicente Guerrero came out in full force, helping and supporting in every practical and loving way possible, exemplifying what the body of Christ was meant to be. It is so important to keep all of these relationships healthy and full of love; the chance to restore them can be gone in the blink of an eye. I am heartbroken, yet at the same time completely blessed and full of that sweet peace that really does pass understanding. Alex and I had the pleasure of loving such a sweet, happy baby for 7 months of his short life; we enjoyed him and his presence so much and are both better people to have known and loved him. We are also so blessed to know that he is in a place so perfectly good, so awesome and full of the wonder of the love of God, such peace we can have with this assurance. We do not cry tears of hopelessness, we grieve purely for our own loss of his sweet smile, joyous energy and endearing laugh. And oh, what a loss it is. What a hole left in our lives and hearts. And what a hope to look forward to being completed in Christ once we are finished this mission here on earth and are reunited once again. I would like to thank all of you who were so kind to send notes, love, prayers, gifts, hugs, and general support. The outpouring of love and sympathy has been overwhelming and I am so grateful to be so loved by so many wonderful friends and family, and even by people I have never met. Thank you for your continued prayers in the days to come. I can only hope and pray that I can be as much of a blessing to someone else as you have all been to me, and continue to be. I humbly thank God my Father for the opportunity to love and have been loved by such a sweet soul, and will wait on Him to see what He has in store for us.
 In Him, Karen

 "I'll lend you for a little time a child of Mine," He said,
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or even twenty-three
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
you'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."
 "I cannot promise he will stay since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked throughout the whole wide world in search for teachers true;
and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labour vain
nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"

 and Father, I will still say:
 "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring the risk of grief I'll run.
I'll shelter him with tenderness, I'll love him while I may,
and for the happiness I've known forever grateful stay.
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than I've planned,
I'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand."

February 2012 Update

Again, going back in time, sharing the update sent out in February:


I have been ‘meaning’ to sit down and write a note to all of you wonderful people who support me in so many wonderful ways, yet meaning has not morphed into doing and it is already halfway through February, so I decided to send something today, no matter what it looks / reads like! The beginning of a new year has come and gone again, and we are well in our way to our usual blustery spring. January was a beautiful month weather-wise, some nice rains and beautiful sunny days. There is always more than enough to do and so we have kept quite busy, with the usual keeping up of the house and yard, some projects here and there as I was able to, and working on the books over at the EFF compound. Since I last communicated a large propane tank was installed and is now being used for the water heater, fridge and stove which is a great alternative to having several smaller tanks. There is no way this one is going to go missing! :D Also no more running out of hot water in the middle of a shower, or out of propane in the middle of preparing dinner. Our friends the Brouwer’s have been here for the past few months helping out a new ministry in the area that gives a home and a jumping off point for girls who are just coming out of rehab (a much needed facility!) and Glen was able to come over one day and plumb it all in for us. Over at EFF we are keeping up with the usual weekly evangelical outreaches and are gearing up for another busy season of hosting groups coming from Canada and the US to build homes or do other projects to help the many people who are in such need. One of our small group, Amber, started bringing clothing out to one of the areas most in need and the boys and I go with her and her kids every wednesday, to take clothing “orders” (ages, sizes, etc), and then we bring each family member a fabric bag filled with whatever we had to offer for that specific person. It often is the case that the most needy people are the ones who don’t come to ask, or who are not able to. Another project that I am working on right now is a media presentation about the Erma Fennell Foundation that tells a little about us and what the vision for this foundation is. I enjoy doing this type of work, even though at times it is a little daunting, especially the amount of work and time needed to finish. One major focus of this presentation is the proposed Trade School and training center that we are all so excited about! So far we have put the down payment on all 8 lots, and now we are praying for funds for the monthly payments of $350 each. A few weeks ago there “happened” to be an architect in the group that was visiting, and so we now also have preliminary sketches of the buildings and grounds that are planned! God is so good and we are so excited to see how He will put this all together in His time. The boys, of course are always front and center and it is such a privilege and joy to watch both Alex and Miguel grow up into the little men that they are becoming. Alex continues to gain confidence in school, academically and it seems even socially as well, which is a major answer to prayer. A loving community does amazing things for a little boy’s heart, and that community includes all of you! What a blessing to them and to me to be grounded on such a strong foundation. Again I say to you all, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart!! Little Miguel is a sweet, funny little guy who keep developing more and more personality every day. Thanks to the experience I went through when Alex was a baby he is faring much better than Alex did at this age as far as his skin condition goes. (sorry Alex! Someone has to be the oldest aka guinea pig :( ) This week we are all excitedly anticipating the arrival and visit of not only Grandpa and Grandma, but of Aunty Cheryl and Uncle Scott too!! My parents and sister and brother in law arrive on sunday night, and as always it is so exciting to show them what we have been up to, but this trip is extra special since they all get to meet little Miguel for the first time, and Scott will meet both boys. :) A prayer request, our dear Minerva (And I say our because she was the very first recipient of a home built by a Taber EFree group!) is having some health troubles again. Just as she did 8 years ago she is retaining a lot of water, which last time had indicated (I believe) kidney problems, and her heart had enlarged to three times its size. We do NOT want her to get to that point again! She said nothing to me of course, and when i dropped by to see her I could not believe how bloated she was, she looks nine months pregnant! I will be bringing her to a different doctor tonight so see what he suggests (she has been to the doctors in the free hospital, who told her she just has high cholesterol) and so I would really appreciate your prayers for this dear lady’s health. OK well that is pretty much the latest from here, thanks again for EVERYTHING, we are so blessed and your generosity allows me to be generous as well. Much love from the baja, Karen and boys. ♥

December 2011 Update

I realize we are WAY past this, however since it has been so long since I posted anything i thought I'd add the three updates that there has been between last November and now,to keep things in chronological order. Here is the update I sent out in December:


 Christmas time!!! O the excitement and buildup leading to the single day we celebrate One tiny babe brought into the world for the salvation of all who live, and have lived, and will live in it. A time of family and love and harmony. Or at least as close as we can get to that ideal. Around the world this special time is celebrated, whether or not its true meaning is really known or understood, and here in Mexico is no exception. A month ago decorations and ornaments started showing up in the outdoor second hand markets, and from there signs of Christmas appeared in all sorts of places in all sorts of ways. Alex and I had a lot of fun decorating our house for Christmas, and even though we would have loved to put up lights outside, (solar electricity limitations) I think we were both pretty happy with how things turned out inside. It certainly was a welcome break from all the usualness of everyday life, and the fact that the only change of season we get are lower temperatures. Along with Christmas comes Christmas holidays, which both Alex and I are looking forward to! When the school day is as short as they are here (8 to 12:15 through to grade 6) the teacher relies heavily on parental support and help at home, which translates into a LOT of homework. Alex went through a bit of a tough spell for awhile where he wasn’t quite getting some concepts of reading / writing, however in the last 2 weeks he caught on and is right up where he needs to be, much to the relief of his mommy. Miguel, as most 6-month-olds generally are, is growing and changing and learning something new all the time. He is quite fascinated with his hands, loves to play with his toes and enjoys watching and laughing at his big brothers crazy antics. He also loves to be in the bath which is a good thing, since it is a rather crucial part of both of the boys’ skin care routine. Recently I took him to Ensenada to an eye specialist where we found out his has an ulcer on the cornea of his eye - please keep this issue in prayer as it is still not completely cleared up. As for me, well momma’s been busy! I have begun the daunting task of creating an entirely new accounting system for the Erma Fennell Foundation, which is a big job but I enjoy a challenge. As a ministry we get together often, in the mornings for devotions (I go as often as I can make it) usually some kind of fun night together once a week and now working over there keeps me more connected as well which has been a real blessing. Both kids come with me, which Alex is delighted about because there is another boy who lives on the property about his age, and most of the time there is more than one grandmotherly figure who can’t wait to have some baby time :) We are also busy preparing for Christmas - all the gifts that we put together for those who regularly attend all the outreach classes / meetings done throughout the week, along with drama to present (baby Miguel will be premiering as baby Jesus!!) as well as planning the Christmas party for all involved in the ministry (pastors, lay people, visitors, missionaries, etc). Something that came up recently and rather suddenly was the availability of property on the block over from the EFF property - a field was subdivided and EFF took a step of faith and put the deposit before the down payment on a full block of property, 10 lots, which, if it is God’s will and the funds become available to pay the full purchase price, will be the home of a long-dreamt of Training Center, to be able to train men and women in different trades, possibly have some kind of facility to care for children while parents are learning, and a place for people to come and have help to finish their primary education. Very exciting times! We have another week to pay the down deposit on each one of these lots, so please keep this in your prayers as well that GOD’S will be done, and not our own, and that He will have His way in Vicente Guerrero! The we can have a part in changing people’s lives, not just through hand outs but in teaching and training, and through it all demonstrating the great Love of our King. I pray for all of you that the love of our God will be shown to and by each one in this wonderful time. I’d like to thank each and every one of you as well for your friendship, encouragement, love, and prayer and financial support that I have been so blessed by. May the Lord return it to you one hundredfold.